I min hverdag, der jeg har det svært travelt, har jeg en tendens til å lære noe. Enten det er på skolen (der man SKAL lære noe) eller det er hjemme. Dette er dagens lærdom:
The flute is a musical instrument whose players tends to make up for the lack of talent in other sections of the band. This sophistication of the flute is reflected by the fact that it is usually made of silver or even gold, compared to other more "primitive" materials such as brass.
History
The flute is scientifically accepted as the oldest and wisest of all instruments (like, seriously, some artifact-digging dudes proved it). The flute started off as a small pipe of heavenly matter with holes punctured in it. It was given to God as a present from his father (widely believed to be Ian Anderson). However, the original flute was dropped from the clouds and as it entered the mortal realm, it turned into a simplistic form of wood, about 20,000 years ago. Modern flutes and their players much resemble the original pair.
Properties
How you play it
The flute is held to the right of the player's head (which is quite hard since flute players have small brains and therefor small heads). It is held with two hands. Those two hands have to press 17-18 keys at any given time, sometimes all at once. In a marching band, the flute is to be held at an absolutely straight angle. When this does not happen perfectly every time the drum major gets angry and points it out.
To make sound, the flute player blows across the hole on the end of the flute. Roughly 90% of the air is wasted and 9% makes it into the flute to make the sound. Nobody knows where the remaining 1% goes.
Size
The flute is the only instrument that was designed to be convenient enough to fit into one's pocket, partly due to the fact that it is the only instrument not designed by apes. Piccolo players enjoy whiping smirks off of other sections' faces by slipping their instruments into their pockets during marching band practice while the rest of the band suffers from severe back injuries from carrying their instruments around.
Tuning
Although the flute section is rarely out of perfect tune with each other, it has been known to occur. In such a situation, there is a code which all flute players follow. This code is so sacred that even band directors have been brainwashed into following it. The code goes by the name of "blame the piccolo player."
Piccolo players themselves are the ultimate scapegoat. 90% of band tuning disasters are blamed on the piccolo, namely because of its dominating sound. If a band member happens to be out of tune with the band, tthe blame of that out-of-tuneness is immediately shifted to the piccolo player. The band director who, as aforementioned, has been brainwashed by the rest of the band, will then force the piccolo player to adjust their instrument, making the piccolo out of tune. This results in the intonation of the rest of the band with the piccolo to be even worse, which furthers the misconception of the piccolo being out of tune.
Sometimes, however, the piccolo player really is out of tune. The tuner shows this- right before it dies.
Personality
There are several types of personalities of flute players.
The Guy
Many men look down upon playing the flute because they believe it makes them gay. They are terribly mistaken. You see, males in the flute section are constantly surrounded by hot girls, as opposed to other sections like the tubas, which are full of fat, sweaty, horny guys. Furthermore, since they are usually the only male in the section, they get all the sexyness to themselves.
Male flute players are also usually some of the best. This has been traced to a genetic property that makes them really good. Scientists have used power harnessed from this gene in recent history in the creation of Chuck Norris.
Greg Patillo is amazing.
The Diva
Usually thinks she is quite a good player...her downfall? She knows it. Tends to point out the perfect things others can't do, talk about all the competitions she wins (by bribing judges), and play with excessive upper body motion. Also tends to play with hyperspeed vibrato that no one enjoys listening to because it reminds them of a goat. ACTUALLY CANNOT PLAY AT ALL, EVERYONE IN THE BAND SEES IT BUT HER.
The Asian
Not unike the flute-playing robot, the Asian tries to play with robot perfection. Sadly, she fails and runs, seemingly being humble but actually going to hide in shame.
The Supermodel Wannabe
Usually just in the band to hook up with guys. Not particularily good, but just enough to get into the band. Known to cause many accidents because some members of the trumpet section stare at her when they should be marching.
The Control Freak
Compensates for her lack of talent by controlling everything the members of her section does. Sometimes the section leader.
The Actual Good One
She is probably the only one in the entire section who can actually play worth a lick. Very fun to be around. Often humble, she plays complicated things on her flute when she thinks no one is listening and amazes everyone, but when asked to play something not required she sometimes gets nervous or starts laughing. Liked by all of the section and the band, she enjoys helping everyone. Everyone in the band (except the older and frequently less talented section leader) wishes she had the authority to help people out. When she actually does try to help, though, the section leader and the drum major turn on her and insist she doesn't talk anymore. Fun-loving, The Actual Good One makes friends with other sections easily and is seen hanging out with "not-flutes". Tends to get new concepts quickly and easily but does not show off about it.
The listeners
These are often Flutes that stand there and listen. They are often very quiet in Band, but not in school. They are known to be excellent marchers, and fair players. They try not to get in other people's ways and are loved by the Actual good one.
og så kommer det store spørsmålet...
HVILKEN TYPE ER JEG?
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